I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
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