Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
