I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
ha so i just found a picture of you eating paper towels and many of Laura freaking out from it.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
