I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
He just kept muttering to himself "stabby stabby stabby stabby" while we were boning. I will never be boning him again.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
Randomize
