What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
