well you can't waste a boner
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Randomize
