How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Randomize
