this beer tastes like vomit already
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
