He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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