omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
