I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
By god, his vagina is better looking than mine.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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