she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
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