Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.
I still maintain we were not that drunk......
Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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