I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
home. puking in laundry basket.
he passed out at 11 at a party. he deserved to be stripped down an duct taped to the floor
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
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