Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
