I'm so fucking centered right now
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
