I think condoms have that nasty latex smell to remind you in the morning of how gross you are.
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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