go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Randomize
