Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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