I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
My boobs are feeling quite sensitive so I told them, " you is smart, you is kind, you is important" that should do the trick.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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