I'm sorry my penis didn't work
yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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