Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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