I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I DEMAND FORESKIN
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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