I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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