the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?
it happened again.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
