saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
He invites me over too FucK and i wind up eating 6 jimboys tacos with his roommates. While he waited in his room. Maybe next time
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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