You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Randomize
