After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
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