I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this will be a night to untag.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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