My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Is it ok to bone a former patient who is also a client? Since it is two negatives does that cancel and become a positive?
Randomize