he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
Randomize
