You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
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Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize