I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
