Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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