my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Randomize
