I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
I have never encountered a chode in the wild
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
