mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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