one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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