Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
This is the high leading the old right now
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
At least your nickname is not Plunge Slut and that nickname is not in a published thesis work
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
Randomize
