Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.
I hope you meant gum...
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
