my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
I just ran up four flights of stairs in heels, im getting an orgasm tonite.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Randomize
