When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
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