At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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