I CAN MOONWALK!
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Randomize
