My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
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