If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
I was trying to chase her off the carpet, but now there are figure-eights of cat vomit. everywhere
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
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