i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
Randomize
