i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Randomize
