I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
he cracked the bottle of jager at 11am and said "hey, its Saturday and I gotta do something"
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
Hes done the math! Hes calculated how much sex it's going to take to fuck 365 miles. Now thats a little brother im proud of. New resolutions are a go!
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
This is like a walk of shame down memory lane.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
