Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
