his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
My penis needs a shock collar
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Randomize
