when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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