i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
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