Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
