Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
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my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
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Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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