I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
Day 3. Will have to postpone job hunting by a month. May have blown out my knee. Was sunburned on Friday. Now look painted red. Still alive. All worth it.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Randomize
