Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
his personality makes his face look like an asshole.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
There are leaves in my underwear?
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
